Hot Toddy

(Picture: Holding "American Whitewater", a magazine they were featured in, crediting them with many first descents.)

Dan Crain and Todd Andrew  -  Within a year of this picture being taken, Dan would pass away and a year later Todd would too.

    So, it has been strange lately, and as I try to figure it out, I thought I would write about it.  One of my best friends died a few years ago in a kayaking accident on the Potomac.  Todd Andrew and I became more than friends at one point in our relationship and it forged a bond that I can't describe.  He was beautiful - pure muscle and heart.  He was an adventurist and someone I completely admired.  This is why he is listed as a hero of mine on my Profile Page.  I wanted to become free and adventurous like him, but my inability to give up my security (which are my insecurities) shows me I am and never will be like him, although it is something I strive for. 

     He introduced me to ice and rock climbing after I went through a divorce - when I needed something to give me strength and courage.  He encouraged me to get out and enjoy the outdoors and hated that I worked indoors everday.  To him, it was against God and nature to be locked up in an office.  He wanted me to go to New Zealand with him and travel the world with a backpack.  I scrutinized my finances and penciled it all out and couldn't figure out how to make it all work.  In reality, it could've worked but my fears held me back. 

     He was probably one of the best kayakers in the country.  He made many first descents on rivers across the country.  This picture of he and Dan Crane is one I took when an article came out in American Whitewater (a kayaking magazine) that he and Dan were featured in. 

     SO, Thursday, October 19th was the anniversary of his death.  I don't dwell on this date.  I didn't even really think about the date until a friend of mine brought it to my attention. 

     Before I go further, I should explain that in the past I have proven to be a very skillfull sleepwalker.  When I am stressed out or bothered, I tend to do it every night which gets very tiresome and old.  Well, I have not dreamt or walked in my sleep for months.  At 3 a.m.  on the 19th, Todd came and stood at the foot of my bed and I immediately sat up and opened my arms wide and crawled to the end of my bed.  We talked for a moment and then I went to the other room and I knew (I was totally awake) he was still there with me.  Yesterday I was looking through some papers and I found notes from a psychic reading I went to about 6 months ago.  The notes were very specific and It was obvious the reader was talking to Todd.  Even my friends who were there were astonished at the specifics.  Today I found a poem I wrote to him while he was alive.  He was so grateful and he cherished it, which made me entirely happy.  Just now I came across this picture.   Trust me, I have not been searching!  It's all just too much of a coincidence, don't you agree?  I haven't seen some of these items for months or years.  

     We were always there for eachother - we cried and laughed equally together.  Todd was a very sincere and emotional person - and it was because he cared so deeply about things.  Small things meant so much to him.  

     His dad passed away a year before Todd did and Dan as well, his best friend and kayaking partner - lost too in a kayaking accident.  It was a lot for him to deal with - a lot for anyone to deal with.  

     He was a person who picked fresh wildflowers for you instead of going to a store.   He was a wrestling champion, hiker, climber, son, friend, brother, an entrepeneur, poet, adventurist, mountain biker and most of all had the heart of gold.  

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Lost at sea, my friend and me 
Me in my nightmares, he in his dreams.

He in his kayak, room for one
My vessel aboard comes everyone.

What he needs most, is his best friend
It's what he calls "adrenaline".

While he smiles battling the waves
Another huge swell is coming my way.

I've been on this sea for a time unknown
It feels an eternity I've battled alone.

Chaos erupts, we've summited the wave
Knowing we're headed for a watery grave.

Passengers come to me screaming my name
I cannot hear a one, their voices the same.

I shrink inside at their shrieks of pain
I cover my ears and attempt to stay sane.

All during the while, my friend abroad
Is in the midst of his prayer to God.

You see, my friend who is lost at sea
Has prayers for all, his family and me. 

That health we keep, and our love for eachother
And how grateful he is for his brothers and mother.

He lives his dream, day after day
Kayaking, climbing and finding his way.

But he never forgets those close to him
And will go to the ends of the Earth for them.

My nightmare continues, my raft torn apart
Then I see those eyes that melt my heart.

My friend is here, he's found me at sea
He's searched high and low to rescue me.

He's saved me from the wretched abyss
And gives me hope, strength, a kiss.

My friend, my heart, my tender Todd
Grateful for him, my gift from God.

His friend is safe - his worries are gone
It's time to live his dream and move on.

Upon my doorstep he says, "Goodbye"
To give the water another try.

I know he's leaving to fulfill his life
Among the struggles, pain and strife.

He knows he only has one life to lead
Adventure and "no regrets" his creed.

I admire him in so many ways
And I miss him when he goes away.

But when he returns, he brings excitement to me
And fills my glass with fond memories.

So continues this cycle of life
At times to switch places with eachother in strife.

Lost at sea my friend and me
He in his nightmares, me in my dreams.